Remote Madness
by Cancerous Galaxy
Summary: "Crow, open your legs." "No, now get away from me, Jack!" Did Yusei just hear that right? I hope not, or else we're all probably going to need counseling.


**Me: Hi all! This little load of crack is what happens when I take a look at a fellow writer's profile and see some material that is just TOO funny to pass up. All credit to this idea being born goes to Coco Gash Jirachi and her brothers for being almost as crazy as I am! … Anyway, playing the part of Justin will be… (Drum roll sounds) Jack Atlas!**

**Jack: … (reading over the scene I'm making him do, then turns to me) You hate me, don't you?**

**Me: Yep! ^_^ Now, playing the part of Jesse ((Can't help but think of Jesse Anderson with this one)) is Crow (stops for a minute) Uh… Crow?**

**Crow: Yeah?**

**Me: What's your last name again?**

**Everyone: (sweatdrops) **

**Crow: It's Hogan… Crow Hogan…**

**Kuro: (scoffs) You're not James Bond, feather head.**

**Me: Be nice, Kuro! (clears throat) Moving on, playing the part of Gash herself will be… Yusei Fudo!**

**Kuro: (sarcastically) Whoo-hoo…**

**Me: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds or the idea to this story. Onwards now!**

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Remote Madness, a 5Ds crack-fic

Yusei Fudo, a young man with raven colored hair that had gold highlights and indigo blue eyes, was filling a glass of water at the sink. A T.V. sounded in the background, playing something that sounded like a romantic comedy to him. Suddenly, he heard something that almost made him drop the glass he was holding, although it did succeed in making him choke on what he had been drinking

"Crow, open your legs." Jack stated calmly from the living room where the T.V. was.

"No! Get away, Jack!" Crow yelled back at him, causing Yusei to quirk an eyebrow and blink once. Then twice. And a third time for good measure.

_'Did I just here that right…?'_ he wondered, making his was slowly towards the kitchen door. Once again, Jack's voice could be heard, only it came a little more forceful this time.

"Crow, open your legs!"

"I don't want to; now back off before I hurt you!" he answered back, voice holding a hint of desperation as a small struggle occurred, Jack grunting in annoyance every now and then. Yusei, needless to say ((Oh God, I made a pun! XD)), was feeling just a tad bit funny by this point. Only a smidge though, given that this was Jack with all his impatient antics. But this… this was ridiculous! Yusei could feel his face heating up, probably turning an interesting shade of red he mused off handedly.

"Open your fucking legs!" Jack had finally lost his cool, making Yusei fear for not only Crow's virginity, but that he'd come out of this whole ordeal unscathed physically. He already knew that both of them were going to have to go see a therapist after this, not that they could afford it, anyway…

Shoving that thought aside, he rushed to the kitchen door before slamming it open, fully ready to be scared for life at the sight before him.

"What the hell is-!" he shouted, but cut it short after he saw the position his friends were in. Crow was lying helplessly on his back on the sofa, vainly attempting to shove Jack off. The older man was straddling the ginger haired Signer, his hand poised in the air like he was getting ready to grab something. Yusei couldn't help but stare at the two, his face now so red it was a wonder that there was any blood left elsewhere in his body. Crow looked at him forlornly, his eyes pleading for help.

"Yus, you gotta help me! Jack's trying to buttsex me!" he whimpered, pushing Jack with minimal success. Jack just stared at Yusei with a deer in headlights look plastered on his face before shifting his attention back to the younger beneath him.

"This wouldn't be so hard if you'd just give up, Crow," Jack muttered, bringing his hand down between the Balckwing user's legs.

"Gah! Don't put that there!" Crow yelped, struggling with new vigor to push Jack off of him. "Yusei, get him off! I'm begging you!" he called to the brunette desperately, eyes clenched shut. Yusei finally snapped out of his daze and took large, quick steps toward the blonde duelist, grabbing his shoulder before throwing him off of his friend. Surprisingly, Jack came away quite easily, something held tightly in his hand. He landed with an unceremonious 'Thump!' on the floor, but didn't seem to care at the moment.

"Ha! Got it!" he called triumphantly, holding up a black rectangular object. "Why the hell do you keep it there, Crow?"

Crow pouted slightly sitting up and turning away. "That way no one would but a _perverted idiot_ would _steal_ it!" This comment struck a nerve with Jack, and the two began to bicker, leaving Yusei standing there dumbfounded. He sighed, dragging a hand tiredly over his face, before gaining the other two boys attention.

"All that…" he began, voice taking a dangerous edge to it, "For the _freaking remote!_ God, Crow, I thought Jack was in here trying to _rape you_!" Jack gave off an indignant cry, but was silenced when Yusei continued. "Do either of you have _any_ idea how much _counseling_ I'm going to need after this? I can't even go sleep now because I'm scared I'm going to have nightmares about the two of you going at it on the couch!" he finished, throwing his hands up in the air before plopping down on the couch next to his ginger haired friend and burying his head in his hands. The silence that followed was uncomfortable, Crow and Jack staring at each other guiltily. Crow finally placed a hand on Yusei's shoulder, tying to comfort the traumatized teen.

"Do you need an Aspirin..?" he questioned quietly, trying not to set the brunette off again.

A mumbled "Yes, please…" And a tired sigh was heard as Yusei slumped over onto Crow's shoulder, his friend patting his back absent mindedly.

"I'll get it," Jack offered, walking into the kitchen and rummaging around the cabinet for some sort of pain medication. When he came back with it and a glass of water, Yusei took them gratefully, popping the pill into his mouth before taking a sip from the drink. A few minutes later, the young duelist was sound asleep, head resting on Crow's arm. Both boys smiled fondly at him, before Crow stealthily stole back the remote from Jack. The blonde failed to notice right off the bat, but when e went to change the channel, he quickly sent a heated glare Crow's way.

"You want it? Come get it," he replied before dropping the device into Yusei's trousers, unknown to the sleeping teen. He just shifted closer to his makeshift pillow, mumbling incoherently under his breath. Crow smiled cheekily at Jack, whose eye was twitching in annoyance.

"_I. Hate. You. So much!_" he growled, walking as quietly as he could toward the brunette and carefully trying to pull out the remote. Crow grinned evilly before shouting in horror.

"Jack! What the hell are you doing to Yusei!"

Yusei jolted awake to find Jack's hand down the front of his pants, his face a bright shade of red that would put the Crimson Dragon to shame.

"Aaaagh! Pervert!" he screeched before kicking Jack by reflex. Unfortunately for Jack, Yusei's kick hit a very… Sensitive area with enough force that Crow couldn't help but wince. Jack crumpled to the floor, moaning in pain as Yusei abruptly stood up and stormed off to his room, not even noticing the remote in Jack's hand that had been pulled out of his pants.

"Sorry 'bout that, didn't think Yus would react _that_ badly!" Crow laughed loudly at the other teens predicament, only receiving a glare that under any other circumstances, would've been frightening.

"Again. _I. Hate. __**You. Crow!**_" Jack hissed in a voice that a good few octaves higher, causing Crow to laugh even harder. Once he finally calmed down, a contemplative look crossed over his face.

"Hey Jack. Do you think Yus was serious about the therapy thing? Cause if so, you're paying for it."

"Fuck you." Was the reply.

Crow merely grinned at him before sauntering out the room towards his, stopping in the doorway to look back at the older man curled into the fetal position on the floor in front of the coffee table. "Don't do favors!" he called over his shoulder, leaving Jack flabbergasted and in pain for the rest of the night.

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**Me: XD That was fun to write! And note, this is my first one-shot ever, as well as my first time writing anything outside of the Pokémon fandom. I think it turned out nicely!**

**Jack: _ It hurts… So bad…**

**Kuro: (snickers)** **I think you ruined his ability to create children, Yusei…**

**Yusei: … He deserved it.**

**Me: That he did. -^_^- Again, thanks to Coco Gash Jirachi and her brothers for letting me turn this into a fic! Review, and tell me what you think!**


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